It's still amazing to me, after two children, how much your sense of time changes. There was a time, not very long ago, when I would have been horrified at the mere thought of being awake and active at 3:30am. Most normal human beings would be, I'm sure. But then there's me, still sitting at my computer at 5:30am, and I've been awake for two hours now. Which makes no sense. Jacob is still asleep, Makenna has had her bottle and diaper change and is back to sleep (sure to be waking up around 7 for her next bottle), and I can hear Ben snoring. WHY AM I AWAKE? I think I'm getting sick, but that should mean I sleep more, right? Instead, I've downloaded all my pictures from the last few days, played multiple games of Three Towers Solitaire, and even sent some long overdue emails to take care of a few odds and ends. I know I'm going to be tired later, but I think maybe, at this point, I would be more tired if I tried to go back to sleep. The kids don't care how much I sleep, all they know is that when they wake up, it's time to go.
Maybe I just enjoy the quiet that I don't get during the day with two under two.....
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Chaos is relative
Days like these tend to make me want to pull out all of my hair, strand by strand. Sure, the entire day wasn't horrible, and in fact had some good moments. Case in point, my son fell asleep with his head in my lap, and slept for over an hour. Nothing compares to good cuddle time with my boy. I just wish I could remember that when all hell breaks loose in the evening. And yes, I know, it could be worse. But just like pain is relative, I think chaos is too.
Our baby girl was having what I thought were formula issues of the "I hate lactose" variety, just like her brother did around this time. So about two weeks ago I switched her from the premium formula to the gentlease formula, the one that has 80% less lactose than regular formula. She did good, and seemed to not be as fussy or agitated when eating. She had previously been crying off and on whenever she ate, was getting poopy that was harder and harder in consistency (sorry if that falls into the "TMI" category), and had had one 45 minute long crying jag followed by the passage of a substantial amount of gas. None of this happened once I switched her. Her appetite didn't change much, and if anything she started eating better. But the pediatrician and my husband were not totally convinced that the formula was the problem. They agreed that it could be, but since her issues seemed to be mostly at night, and since said issues did not involve spitting or vomiting or nasty changes in poops (ie the complete absence of a poop), there was the thought that maybe, just maybe, she was fine on the "high octane" formula. She might just be getting agitated at the increased activity in the house at night, brought on by dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. Or she could be expressing herself by jamming all of her crying time for the day into one session (apparently there is a certain amount of time during the day when babies are supposed to cry. Some kids spread it out, some cram it together). So, just for kicks and giggles, and to appease curiosity, I decided yesterday to switch her back to the original formula, and see how she responded.
Note to self: If your "mommy intuition" tells you not to do something, listen.
Fast forward 24 hours after the switch, and I again have a little girl with firmer poopy, who is crying every time she tries to eat, is eating less each feeding, and is generally agitated and whiny the later in the day that it gets. Welcome back, lactose sensitive formula. We've missed you during you oh-so-short vacation...
Two bottles of sensitive formula later, and my little girl is absolutely passed out in her father's arms after drinking a full 4oz bottle, only her second full bottle since the first switch, and her mother's lapse in sanity.
Now, you may be wondering why this would make me want to pull my hair out...
...enter stage right the 18 month old who has taken up incessant whining and crying due to sister issues and communication frustrations, and mix in some good old-fashioned jealousy with a touch of "I haven't yet realized that I am big enough that it hurts when I decide to try standing on Mommy's pelvis and kicking into her ribs while I climb on her as she tries to feed the new baby." Add also a smattering of the radar my children have for whenever I try to pick up a book or magazine (silly girl, did you actually think you would be able to read anything other than the directions on the formula can once you had two children?? HaHaHa) And again, just because we can, let's throw in some guilt because, when I lose it and yell at the big man for hurting me and generally making a pest of himself as only an 18 month old can, he gives me the wet eyes and pouty lip and the "I can't believe you just broke my heart" face. Oh God, Jacob, just rip my heart out and dance on it. That would probably hurt less than seeing your sad little face. Good times, all around.
What can I say, I'm a complete wuss, and absolutely cannot stand when I think I've hurt my children. Which is what this all boils down to. The Boy was hurt because Mommy snapped, when all he wants is my attention and love (and a bottle and bedtime, as it turned out). Baby Girl was hurt because Mommy changed her formula against her better judgement and caused lovely abdominal pains that a 3 week old doesn't understand (and yes, I know it wasn't intentional and no harm no foul, but still...). Please, is there a guide book somewhere that can tell me how to fairly balance being Jacob's Mommy with being Makenna's Mommy, while trying to be Ben's wife, and not forgetting that somewhere, inside this whole mess, I'm still Allison??
I know I stress too much. But I am learning, slowly but surely, that there is a whole new brand of stress with two under two. And I know, someday I will look back on this and wish that this was the stress I have (like on a day when I have a moody 16 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who thinks she hates me). But for now, this is all I have.
And like I said, chaos is relative.....
Our baby girl was having what I thought were formula issues of the "I hate lactose" variety, just like her brother did around this time. So about two weeks ago I switched her from the premium formula to the gentlease formula, the one that has 80% less lactose than regular formula. She did good, and seemed to not be as fussy or agitated when eating. She had previously been crying off and on whenever she ate, was getting poopy that was harder and harder in consistency (sorry if that falls into the "TMI" category), and had had one 45 minute long crying jag followed by the passage of a substantial amount of gas. None of this happened once I switched her. Her appetite didn't change much, and if anything she started eating better. But the pediatrician and my husband were not totally convinced that the formula was the problem. They agreed that it could be, but since her issues seemed to be mostly at night, and since said issues did not involve spitting or vomiting or nasty changes in poops (ie the complete absence of a poop), there was the thought that maybe, just maybe, she was fine on the "high octane" formula. She might just be getting agitated at the increased activity in the house at night, brought on by dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. Or she could be expressing herself by jamming all of her crying time for the day into one session (apparently there is a certain amount of time during the day when babies are supposed to cry. Some kids spread it out, some cram it together). So, just for kicks and giggles, and to appease curiosity, I decided yesterday to switch her back to the original formula, and see how she responded.
Note to self: If your "mommy intuition" tells you not to do something, listen.
Fast forward 24 hours after the switch, and I again have a little girl with firmer poopy, who is crying every time she tries to eat, is eating less each feeding, and is generally agitated and whiny the later in the day that it gets. Welcome back, lactose sensitive formula. We've missed you during you oh-so-short vacation...
Two bottles of sensitive formula later, and my little girl is absolutely passed out in her father's arms after drinking a full 4oz bottle, only her second full bottle since the first switch, and her mother's lapse in sanity.
Now, you may be wondering why this would make me want to pull my hair out...
...enter stage right the 18 month old who has taken up incessant whining and crying due to sister issues and communication frustrations, and mix in some good old-fashioned jealousy with a touch of "I haven't yet realized that I am big enough that it hurts when I decide to try standing on Mommy's pelvis and kicking into her ribs while I climb on her as she tries to feed the new baby." Add also a smattering of the radar my children have for whenever I try to pick up a book or magazine (silly girl, did you actually think you would be able to read anything other than the directions on the formula can once you had two children?? HaHaHa) And again, just because we can, let's throw in some guilt because, when I lose it and yell at the big man for hurting me and generally making a pest of himself as only an 18 month old can, he gives me the wet eyes and pouty lip and the "I can't believe you just broke my heart" face. Oh God, Jacob, just rip my heart out and dance on it. That would probably hurt less than seeing your sad little face. Good times, all around.
What can I say, I'm a complete wuss, and absolutely cannot stand when I think I've hurt my children. Which is what this all boils down to. The Boy was hurt because Mommy snapped, when all he wants is my attention and love (and a bottle and bedtime, as it turned out). Baby Girl was hurt because Mommy changed her formula against her better judgement and caused lovely abdominal pains that a 3 week old doesn't understand (and yes, I know it wasn't intentional and no harm no foul, but still...). Please, is there a guide book somewhere that can tell me how to fairly balance being Jacob's Mommy with being Makenna's Mommy, while trying to be Ben's wife, and not forgetting that somewhere, inside this whole mess, I'm still Allison??
I know I stress too much. But I am learning, slowly but surely, that there is a whole new brand of stress with two under two. And I know, someday I will look back on this and wish that this was the stress I have (like on a day when I have a moody 16 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who thinks she hates me). But for now, this is all I have.
And like I said, chaos is relative.....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My Quiet Sunday
There's little in life I enjoy than a Sunday with nothing to do but just exist. Today was that kind of day. How fortunate am I to have been able to spend the entire day in my home, with my beautiful Jacob running around acting like a nut, and Makenna, who's becoming more and more aware with each passing day, either asleep on my chest or staring at the world and/or randomly yelling for no reason in her playpen? There was football on TV, and Ben was home all day. It doesn't get much better.
While I tried to read my book (one I've had for almost a week and not actually started - a rarity for me but a consequence of having two small children), Ben sat and studied and worked on homework. I looked at him, and was hit with a wave of pride, something that seems to happen more and more recently. My husband is so very intelligent, and I don't think he realizes it. He sells himself short too often. This is a man who, in high school, could do my Calculus homework without ever having taken Calculus himself. I don't know too many people who could do that. I just wish he would have realized that he had potential sooner. He's working towards becoming an MLT, or Medical Laboratory Technician, and he's already damn good at what he does. He barely has to study to pull A's in his coursework, and I know that that won't change now that he's in the program. He's working so hard to help our family have a good life. My God I am blessed to have him. I can only hope the man knows how very much I love him, and how lost I would be without him in my life.
The sweetest part of my day, however, was one of those spontaneous moments that can't be scripted but are worth more than anything else in the world. I was sitting on the couch, with the laptop in my lap. Makenna was asleep on my chest, and Ben had gone out to get lunch for us. My little man, my Jacob, came up, laid his head in my lap, and went to sleep. No poking and prodding to get him to take a nap today, and I had both of my babies asleep in my arms. As a mother, there is no greater joy in the world than the feel of my children in my arms, and if the world had stopped at that moment, I can think of no place I would rather have been. For today, at least, this was my bit of calm amid the chaos...
While I tried to read my book (one I've had for almost a week and not actually started - a rarity for me but a consequence of having two small children), Ben sat and studied and worked on homework. I looked at him, and was hit with a wave of pride, something that seems to happen more and more recently. My husband is so very intelligent, and I don't think he realizes it. He sells himself short too often. This is a man who, in high school, could do my Calculus homework without ever having taken Calculus himself. I don't know too many people who could do that. I just wish he would have realized that he had potential sooner. He's working towards becoming an MLT, or Medical Laboratory Technician, and he's already damn good at what he does. He barely has to study to pull A's in his coursework, and I know that that won't change now that he's in the program. He's working so hard to help our family have a good life. My God I am blessed to have him. I can only hope the man knows how very much I love him, and how lost I would be without him in my life.
The sweetest part of my day, however, was one of those spontaneous moments that can't be scripted but are worth more than anything else in the world. I was sitting on the couch, with the laptop in my lap. Makenna was asleep on my chest, and Ben had gone out to get lunch for us. My little man, my Jacob, came up, laid his head in my lap, and went to sleep. No poking and prodding to get him to take a nap today, and I had both of my babies asleep in my arms. As a mother, there is no greater joy in the world than the feel of my children in my arms, and if the world had stopped at that moment, I can think of no place I would rather have been. For today, at least, this was my bit of calm amid the chaos...
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