Chaos is relative

Days like these tend to make me want to pull out all of my hair, strand by strand. Sure, the entire day wasn't horrible, and in fact had some good moments. Case in point, my son fell asleep with his head in my lap, and slept for over an hour. Nothing compares to good cuddle time with my boy. I just wish I could remember that when all hell breaks loose in the evening. And yes, I know, it could be worse. But just like pain is relative, I think chaos is too.

Our baby girl was having what I thought were formula issues of the "I hate lactose" variety, just like her brother did around this time. So about two weeks ago I switched her from the premium formula to the gentlease formula, the one that has 80% less lactose than regular formula. She did good, and seemed to not be as fussy or agitated when eating. She had previously been crying off and on whenever she ate, was getting poopy that was harder and harder in consistency (sorry if that falls into the "TMI" category), and had had one 45 minute long crying jag followed by the passage of a substantial amount of gas. None of this happened once I switched her. Her appetite didn't change much, and if anything she started eating better. But the pediatrician and my husband were not totally convinced that the formula was the problem. They agreed that it could be, but since her issues seemed to be mostly at night, and since said issues did not involve spitting or vomiting or nasty changes in poops (ie the complete absence of a poop), there was the thought that maybe, just maybe, she was fine on the "high octane" formula. She might just be getting agitated at the increased activity in the house at night, brought on by dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. Or she could be expressing herself by jamming all of her crying time for the day into one session (apparently there is a certain amount of time during the day when babies are supposed to cry. Some kids spread it out, some cram it together). So, just for kicks and giggles, and to appease curiosity, I decided yesterday to switch her back to the original formula, and see how she responded.

Note to self: If your "mommy intuition" tells you not to do something, listen.

Fast forward 24 hours after the switch, and I again have a little girl with firmer poopy, who is crying every time she tries to eat, is eating less each feeding, and is generally agitated and whiny the later in the day that it gets. Welcome back, lactose sensitive formula. We've missed you during you oh-so-short vacation...

Two bottles of sensitive formula later, and my little girl is absolutely passed out in her father's arms after drinking a full 4oz bottle, only her second full bottle since the first switch, and her mother's lapse in sanity.

Now, you may be wondering why this would make me want to pull my hair out...

...enter stage right the 18 month old who has taken up incessant whining and crying due to sister issues and communication frustrations, and mix in some good old-fashioned jealousy with a touch of "I haven't yet realized that I am big enough that it hurts when I decide to try standing on Mommy's pelvis and kicking into her ribs while I climb on her as she tries to feed the new baby." Add also a smattering of the radar my children have for whenever I try to pick up a book or magazine (silly girl, did you actually think you would be able to read anything other than the directions on the formula can once you had two children?? HaHaHa) And again, just because we can, let's throw in some guilt because, when I lose it and yell at the big man for hurting me and generally making a pest of himself as only an 18 month old can, he gives me the wet eyes and pouty lip and the "I can't believe you just broke my heart" face. Oh God, Jacob, just rip my heart out and dance on it. That would probably hurt less than seeing your sad little face. Good times, all around.

What can I say, I'm a complete wuss, and absolutely cannot stand when I think I've hurt my children. Which is what this all boils down to. The Boy was hurt because Mommy snapped, when all he wants is my attention and love (and a bottle and bedtime, as it turned out). Baby Girl was hurt because Mommy changed her formula against her better judgement and caused lovely abdominal pains that a 3 week old doesn't understand (and yes, I know it wasn't intentional and no harm no foul, but still...). Please, is there a guide book somewhere that can tell me how to fairly balance being Jacob's Mommy with being Makenna's Mommy, while trying to be Ben's wife, and not forgetting that somewhere, inside this whole mess, I'm still Allison??

I know I stress too much. But I am learning, slowly but surely, that there is a whole new brand of stress with two under two. And I know, someday I will look back on this and wish that this was the stress I have (like on a day when I have a moody 16 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who thinks she hates me). But for now, this is all I have.

And like I said, chaos is relative.....